the great adventure

Arthur let out huge grunt as he sat down, which gave the impression he had been on a long walk. The reality was he lived just down the block and could see the cafe from the window of his apartment. Francis shot Arthur an annoyed look whenever he made this sound, which was everyday at around this time. They had been meeting at the same spot for twenty years now and were very familiar with each other's quirks.

Arthur gestured to the waiter for his usual order. "What's all the news then?"

"Did you know that fellow Reggie MacDonald?"

"Worked at the post office?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"Well What about him?"

"He died yesterday," Francis replied without looking up from his newspaper.

The two men would often have entire conversations without making eye contact; when they occasionally did look at each other they would without fail make disparaging comments about the other's appearance.

"Reggie wasn't that old, was he?"

"He was fifty on the nose."

Arthur ran his hand through his hair, which was down to a couple of thin white wisps. "Oh to be fifty again and know what I know now."

"What have you learned since then?" Francis asked." And you really should wear a hat on days like this, you're going to get skin cancer!"

Arthur looked down at Francis' stomach, which was struggling to escape his shirt." So are you still able to tie your own shoes or do you hire someone else to do it for you?"

He ignored Arthur's comment and continued where he left off."Yes, you should really wear a hat."

Arthur cleared his voice loudly, as he always did before saying/he said something important."I'm going on a trip in a couple of months/next month."

Francis looked up from his paper."Where to?"

"Thailand," Arthur replied in a barely audible voice.

"what are you going to do there?"

"Teach English," he answered even more softly.

Francis let out a sarcastic high-pitched laugh that drowned out all the other conversations on the patio. Several people turned around to see where the sound/it was coming from, and a neighbourhood dog began howling/barking in response to it.

"Teach English?" Francis echoed.

"Yes!" Arthur replied, matching his volume.

"In Thailand?"

"Yes? Why not?"

"I'll give you several reasons. Your age! what if you take/took sick? would your medical expenses be covered? Do you know anyone there? I'm guessing you don't. Also, Isn't the weather very unstable there?"

Arthur felt his face redden as Francis' voice rose in volume. He shot Francis an annoyed look whenever he spoke too loudly, which was usually once or twice a day at around this time.

"Fair enough," Arthur replied," but don't you get tired of doing the same thing everyday, at the same cafe, at the same table? I feel like our routine might be driving me a bit insane. Some days I feel as if I'm suppressing a loud scream."

"Well then let it out!" Going halfway around the world isn't going to solve anything!"

"I already bought my ticket."

Francis was now at a loss for words, which both men recognized as being a rare thing/occurence. They stared at each other neither one saying a word/making a sound for about close to thirty seconds. It was the longest the two men had looked at each other in a long time. Then Arthur's eyes lit up with a flash of inspiration.

an insomniac's train of thought

Why is there a universe? 
Should I pay off my debt with my line of credit?
Do I have anything that I can sell? 
If I fall asleep right now I will get five hours of sleep. 

Have I wasted the last twenty years of my life?

Don't buy coffee and toilet paper at the same store, 

It's embarrassing when you get to the checkout. 

If I fall asleep right now I will get four hours of sleep. 

My parents are getting older.
Should I pay off my debt with my RRSPs? 
Meditation retreat or a trip to Bulgaria? 
If I fall asleep right now I will get three hours of sleep.

I really need to start lifting weights.

Should I move back to Nova Scotia?

What was the name of that actress from that show?

If I fall asleep right now I will get two hours of sleep.

I either need to do my laundry tomorrow or buy new underwear.
I have to go to the bathroom again.
I'm almost 50.
What was the name of my third grade teacher?

It's time to get up.

two houseflies

two houseflies make love
on a sunny afternoon
no inhibitions.

thoughts on winter

The Danish word Hygge has no English equivalent but is defined as 'a concept, originating in Denmark, of creating a cosy and convivial atmosphere that promotes well-being." I am actually surprised that Canadians don't have a similar word, for like the Danes, we have to deal with long, cold winters with less daylight hours. As a coffee-drinking, introverted book reader who is not good at any outdoor sports (or indoor ones) I enjoy Winter quite a bit. I don't love it, but I definitely prefer it to summer in Toronto, where the humidity and smog reach such high levels that people with breathing issues can't leave their homes, and even going for a short walk will leave you in a pool of sweat.

I have a theory also (I have many theories) that there is more creative work done when the weather is miserable, as there is less temptation to go outdoors. I have nothing to back this up other than my own experience as a musician and writer, but I like to think of the number of authors and poets that have come from England as possible evidence.

friend of Charles Dickens: "would you like to go for a nice long walk tomorrow?"

Charles Dickens: "that sounds nice. what is the forecast?"

friend of Charles Dickens: "cold and damp with heavy rainfall."

Charles Dickens:"hmmm...maybe I will stay in and try to finish up this novel."

And so to all the outdoor sport-loving, book-hating extroverts I say take heart, Spring will be here before you know it. Reclusive, uncoordinated bibliophiles: it's OUR time now.

li'l haiku-mudgeon

bison in the zoo
slowly closes his eyes and
dreams of the prairies.

Ode to an egg sandwich and a bag of Doritos

It was not so long ago that I was a balding, chubby, dairy and potato chip eating/beer drinking/pass out from the sheer volume of carbs I consumed vegetarian. My general disposition could be summed up with the opening lines of Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground: “I am a chubby man, I am a balding man, I am a grumpy man, and my liver is definitely inflamed. Paraphrasing slightly. Over the past two months, I made some serious changes in my diet, and I actually do feel and look better. Still balding. Despite all these betterments, I still think an awful lot about beer and potato chips. This is an Ode to one of my favourite post binge-drinking meals: an egg sandwich and a bag of spicy Doritos.

  As I would make my home after a night of drunken singalong-ing from the west end to the east end of Toronto, or “The Far East” as I like to call it, I would usually stop at the 24 hour convenience store at the corner of Greenwood and Gerrard, a haven for insomniacs, drunks, the lonely, cab drivers, and/or some combination of the above. As you enter the store, the intense florescent lights are a sobering reminder that the party is over; it's time to replace some nutrients and rehydrate before the beer-induced coma sleep. The egg sandwich sits in a temperature-controlled display case, beckoning. The Doritos are found in the aisle with the other dry goods and have a considerably longer shelf life.

  A brief description of the egg sandwich, the traditional meal of white Canadians. It is made with untoasted white bread that is soft to the touch, indeed it is almost as soft as the egg filling. Eaten alone, the egg sandwich is unexciting, a senior's lunch if you will, but paired with a bag of Sweet Chili Heat Doritos and it's something altogether different. It is an amazing combination of flavours and textures, a bit like eating a very spicy, crunchy egg. There would be evenings when I simply could not wait until I reached my apartment and I would eat my meal on the walk home, my fiery Dorito-tongue soothed only by the mayonnaise from the sandwich and the cool night air. I felt ashamed, but fortunately, there was rarely anyone else around at that time so I could walk home without judgement.

 A few words about Doritos now: on the back of a bag, the nutritional information reads as follows: calories: 140, total fat: 12%, sodium 180 mg, protein: 2 grams, and various vitamins totaling 24%. These numbers are meaningless, the snack has no nutritional value. Like the egg sandwich, Doritos are actually not that enjoyable when eaten on their own. One tends to feel worse after each one, and after eating an entire family-sized bag in one sitting a person may become extremely depressed. It always best to combine the two foods, and never eat more than an individual-sized bag of Doritos with any meal.

These are just-just my opinions I ask you please do not accept any of these words as fact. Instead, I recommend that you get really drunk, take the night bus to the corner of Greenwood and Gerrard at around 3 am, buy yourself an egg sandwich and a bag of spicy Doritos, and judge for yourself.

haiku-like

the best way to cut down on drinking

is to walk through your local liquor store and notice

how the sixty year-old drinkers look.